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09/03/2001 Archived Entry: "Email forwards"
An excerpt from a not entirely original yet still amusing response to all those damn email forwards people keep on sending. It warms my 'old hand of the Internet cynic' heart to see this.
That forward? I got it. I've gotten it. I do not wish to keep receiving it. I was neither moved nor inspired. It was neither clever nor funny. I was not amazed at the stupidity of that criminal, nor disgusted, appalled, and chagrined by the United States Government. I do not marvel at how inexpensive things used to be, nor am I astonished that kids today don't know about things that happened before they were born.I had a problem with forwarded mail from some of my friends a couple of years back, when I was much younger and more foolish (ahem). I believe my response was to launch into a bitter tirade about the utter inanity, uselessness and complete inaccuracy of 100% of forwarded emails. Having being on the Internet for a while even back then, I was used to reading and writing such rants but alas my friends were not and still to this day I am reminded (not very often, and only by one person) of it....
I do not care about your heart-warming bullshit, for I am a stone and my heart is cold. Genuine friendships are characterized by emails that are written and sent for me and to me. I do not want to be made aware you were thinking of me, I will not stop to smell the flowers, I will not count my blessings, and I live in neither the best nor the worst country on Earth. Jesus and I have a policy of mutual apathy toward one another. That kitten is not cute. Your baby is not the first to walk, talk, or use a toilet. God is a hoax.
My answer to your questionnaire is: No. My favorite color is: No. My favorite song is: No. I do not care what tree, dog, fruit, Power Ranger or member of the Mos Eisley Cantina Band I most resemble. There Is No All Your Base. I have seen the End of the Internet page, and that wasn't funny last time, either. I find recantations of "lookit how funny those foreigners are!" xenophobic, trite and tiring.
I think I'm done now. Please attribute this to Dave Barry and Kurt Vonnegut and then forward this to everyone in your address book.
Ah well. Forwarded emails irritate me, and the template response above seems as good (and funny) a weapon as any against the menace.